Hilarious I.T. jokes !!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"THINK OUT OF BOX"

IAS TOPPERS ANSWERS*
Q. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very h ard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take
four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples
and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very l arge hands. (Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
(UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A: The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A: Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A: It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A: Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

 

Below are the Interview Questions, which were asked in HR Round.....
No one will GET second chance to impress....
Very very Impressive Questions and Answers..... ...

 

 

Question 1:
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night,
it's raining heavily, when suddenly you pass by a bus stop, and you see
three people waiting for a bus:
An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
An old friend who once saved your life.
The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing very well that
there could only be one passenger in your car?
This is a moral/ethical dilem ma that was once ac tually used as part of a
job application.
* You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus
you should save her first;
* or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and
this would be the perfect chance to! pay him back.
* However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming
up with his answer. Guess what was his answer?
He simply answered:
"I would give the car keys to my Old friend and let him take the lady to
the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner
of my dreams."
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

 

Question 2:
What will you do if I run away with your sister?"
The candidate who was selected answered " I will not get a better match
for my sister than you sir"

 

Question 3:
Interviewer (to a student girl candidate) - What is one morning you woke
up & found that you were pregnant.
Girl - I will be very excited and take an off, to celebrate with my husband.
Normally an unmarried girl will be shocked to hear this, but she managed
it well. Why I should think it in the wrong way, she said later when asked

 

Question 4:
Interviewer: He ordered a cup of coffee for the candidate. Coffee arrived
kept before the candidate, then he asked what is before you?
Candidate: Instantly replied "Tea"
He got selected.
You know how and why did he say "TEA" when he knows very well that coffee
was kept before.
(Answer: The question was "What is before you (U - alphabet) Reply was
"TEA" ( T - alphabet)
Alphabet "T" was before Alphabet "U"

 

Question 5:
Where Lord Rama would have celebrated his "First Diwali"?
People will start thinking of Ayodya, Mitila [Janaki's place], Lanka
etc...
But the logic is, Diwali was a celebrated as a mark of Lord Krishna
Killing N arakasura. In Dusavata ar, Krishnavatha ar comes after
Raa mavatha ar.
So, Lord Rama would not have celebrated the Diwali At all!

 

Question 6:
The interviewer asked to the candidate "This is your last question of the
interview. Please tell me the exact position of the center of this table
where u have kept your files."
Candidate confidently put one of his finger at some point at the table
and told that this was the central point at the table.
Interviewer asked how did u get to know that this being the central point
of this table, then he answers quickly that
"sir u r not likely to ask any more question, as it was the last question
that u promised to ask....."
And hence, he was selected as because of his quick-wittedness. .......
This is What Interviewer expects from the Interviewee. ...

 

 

Communicate “Why’s” as well as “What’s”lo

Excerpt from Building Commitment at Work

Communicate “Why’s” as well as “What’s”

If you’re like most people, there’s a good chance that sometime in the past you’ve committed a de-motivating, yet all too common, mistake: telling people what to do without explaining why it needs to be done.

Perhaps the mistake was unintentional on your part – you just didn’t think before issuing your directive. Or maybe it was intentional – and justified in your mind with a rationalization such as: They don’t need to know why … I don’t have to explain my decisions … I don’t have time to list all the reasons. Either way, it was still a mistake … and a clear demonstration that you had forgotten how lousy it felt when others had done the very same thing to you.

So why was it a mistake? Because it borders on childlike treatment (“Do it because I said so!”) which tends to produce anger, resentment, and half-hearted effort. More importantly, it’s a squandered opportunity to get people on-board with, and committed to, what needs to be accomplished.

Here’s a good rule of thumb to guide your future actions: Unless it will violate a legitimate need for confidentiality, always tell people the good reasons for doing what you want done. That’s your WHAT. Your WHY? Because it’s the appropriate way to deal with adults, it produces positive results, and it’s a courtesy that’s simply the right thing to do.

And one more thing …
If you ever find that you can’t come up with good reasons for acting, stop worrying about others’ commitment and start questioning the action, itself!

Human Nature 101
Adults are more likely to be committed to actions
and behaviors when they understand the
good reasons behind them.

Thank you for being a friend

The Story of Mark Eklund (A True Story) by Sister Helen Mrosla

He was in the first third grade class I taught at Saint Mary’s School in Morris, Minnesota. All thirty-four of my students were dear to me, but Mark Eklund was one in a million. Very neat in appearance, he had that happy-to-be-alive attitude that made even his occasional mischievousness delightful.

Mark talked incessantly. I had to remind him again and again that talking without permission was not acceptable. What impressed me so much, though, was his sincere response every time I had to correct him for misbehaving. “Thank you for correcting me, Sister!” I didn’t know what to make of it at first, but before long I became accustomed to hearing it many times a day.

One morning my patience was growing thin when Mark talked once too often, and then I made a novice teacher’s mistake. I looked at Mark and said, “If you say one more word, I am going to tape your mouth shut!” It wasn’t ten seconds later when Chuck blurted out, “Mark is talking again.” I hadn’t asked any of the students to help me watch Mark, but since I had stated the punishment in front of the class, I had to act on it. I remember the scene as if it had occurred this morning. I walked to my desk, very deliberately opened my drawer, and took out a roll of masking tape. Without saying a word, I proceeded to Mark’s desk, tore off two pieces of tape, and made a big X with them over his mouth. I then returned to the front of the room. As I glanced at Mark to see how he was doing, he winked at me. That did it! I started laughing. The class cheered as I walked back to Mark’s desk, removed the tape, and shrugged my shoulders. His first words were, “Thank you for correcting me, Sister.”

At the end of the year, I was asked to teach junior-high math. The years flew by, and before I knew it, Mark was in my classroom again. He was more handsome than ever and just as polite. Since he had to listen carefully to my instruction in the “new math,” he did not talk as much in ninth grade as he had in third. One Friday, things just didn’t feel right. We had worked hard on a new concept all week, and I sensed that the students were frowning, frustrated with themselves, and edgy with one another. I had to stop this crankiness before it got out of hand. So I asked them to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish the assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed me the papers. Charlie smiled. Mark said, “Thank you for teaching me, Sister. Have a good weekend.” That Saturday, I wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and Iisted what everyone else had said about that individual.

On Monday, I gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. “Really?” I heard whispered. “I never knew that meant anything to anyone!” “I didn’t know others liked me so much.” No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. I never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn’t matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another again.

That group of students moved on. Several years later, after I returned from vacation, my parents met me at the airport. As we were driving home, Mother asked me the usual questions about the trip, the weather, my experiences in general. There was a lull in the conversation. Mother gave Dad a sideways glance and simply said, “Dad?” My father cleared his throat, as he usually did before saying something important. “The Eklunds called last night,” he began. “Really?” I said. “I haven’t heard from them in years. I wonder how Mark is.” Dad responded quietly. “Mark was killed in Vietnam,” he said. “The funeral is tomorrow, and his parents would like it if you could attend.” To this day, I can still point to the exact spot on I-494 where Dad told me about Mark.

I had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. Mark looked so handsome, so mature. All I could think at that moment was, “Mark, I would give all the masking tape in the world if only you would talk to me.” The church was packed with Mark’s friends. Chuck’s sister sang “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” Why did it have to rain on the day of the funeral? It was difficult enough at the graveside. The pastor said the usual prayers, and the bugler played taps. One by one those who loved Mark took a last walk by the coffin and sprinkled it with holy water. I was the last one to bless the coffin. As I stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to me. “Were you Mark’s math teacher?” he asked. I nodded as I continued to stare at the coffin. “Mark talked about you a lot,” he said.

After the funeral, most of Mark’s former classmates headed to Chuck’s farmhouse for lunch. Mark’s mother and father were there, obviously waiting for me. “We want to show you something,” his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. “They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.” Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded, and refolded many times. I knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which I had listed all the good things each of Mark’s classmates had said about him. “Thank you so much for doing that,” Mark’s mother said. “As you can see, Mark treasured it.” Mark’s classmates started to gather around us. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, “I still have my list. I keep it in the top drawer of my desk at home.” Chuck’s wife said, “Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.” “I have mine too—in my diary,” Marilyn said. Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet, and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. “I carry this with me at all times,” Vicki said without batting an eyelash. “I think we all saved our lists.” That’s when I finally sat down and cried. I cried for Mark and for all of his friends who would never see him again.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don’t know when that one day will be. So please, tell the people you love and care for that they are special and important. Tell them, before it’s too late.

First Blond Guy Joke!!

The first blonde guy joke?

The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the wait!

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, ' Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too..'

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.


The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'


(Oh this is GOOD!!)

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'

belly buster

This is subtle and high class  !!!!  read to end...and hold ur belly !

Santa Singh, who had recently arrived in the US, wanted to earn some money.

 

He decided to become a 'handy-man' and started looking for some work in an up market locality nearby.

He noticed that a beautiful bungalow belonged to an Indian family.

 

He went there and asked the owner, if he had any odd jobs for him to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" the owner asked.

Santa responded, "How about $ 20?"

The owner said "Fine, there's a can of brown paint and brushes in the garage."

The owner's wife, inside the house, overhearing the conversation asked her husband,

 

"Does he realize that the porch goes all around the house? That's a whole day's job."

The man replied, "He should; he was standing on it.

 

Plus, he's an enterprising Sardar. Do you think he's dumb?"

"No, I don't think so. I guess I'm just influenced by those stupid Sardar e-mail jokes we keep receiving."

A short time later, Santa came to the door and asked for $ 20.

"You've finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," he replied, "and there was paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the money and handed it to him.

"And by the way," Santa Singh added, "it's not a Porch, it's a BMW..

wham !

ENJOY THE GAME - WHAT CAR DO YOU OWN? ANY PAINTING WORK ? WE''LL BE GLAD TO DO IT FOR YOU

Long live Bachelors !!!!

Every man should get married some time; after all, happiness is not the only thing in life!! --Anonymous ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. --Oscar Wilde ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. --Scottish Proverb ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. --Sam Kinison ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --H. L. Mencken ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always. --Anonymous ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" --Anonymous ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops. ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate. --Anonymous ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- - She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off. --Anonymous ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in." --Anonymous ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- Badd Teddy recently explained to me why he refuses to get to married. He says "the wedding rings look like minature handcuffs... .." --Anonymous ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first? The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after u let him in! --Anonymous ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --- A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly parted mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, 'Why did u have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain in is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so? Deeply? A child? A parent?"The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied "My wife's first husband." ------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---- A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a wish and threw in a coin . The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while but then smiled "It really works ! "

YOUR SMILE IS YOUR BEST FRIEND._._._ .MAKE IT SOME ONE ELSE'S TOO !
BE HAPPY,IT'S ONE WAY OF BEING WISE,

Long live Bachelors !!!!

 

__._,_.___